Choose Yourself: The System Behind Hakeem Bourne McFarlane's Transformation

Welcome to one more thing before you go. Today's conversation with Hakeem Bournemouth Butler is one of the episodes that stays with you long after you finish listening.We talked about identity, belonging, and what it means to grow up between cultures. And Hakeem brought this beautiful mix of honesty, humor, and emotional clarity that made the whole conversation just feel alive.We explored the moments that shaped him, the places that held him, and the people who helped him become the man he is today.And if you've ever felt caught between worlds, between expectations, between cultures, and between who you were and who you're becoming, this episode is definitely going to speak to you directly. It's heartfelt, it's cinematic, it's full of wisdom and honesty. It was just a joy to record. I'm your host, Michael Herst. Let's get into it.Hakeem Bourne McFarlane grew up inside addiction and stability and a silence that comes from parents fighting their own battles, mixed race, always adapting, always earning the belonging instead of feeling it. I can relate to that. And to a certain extent, sports became identity, performance became validation. And then life broke.Five knee surgeries, chronic pain, addiction, collapse. Incarceration is a journey that we're going to talk about. But that wasn't the end. It was the moment he stopped running, the moment he got honest.From that honesty came the Choose Yourself movement, a process built on discipline, structure, and the belief that identity isn't random. It's shaped by what we repeat, what we confront, and what we're willing to rebuild. Hakeem, welcome to the table, man.

Hey, thank you. Better every day, man. Thank you for having me.

Absolutely. You have an amazing, amazing journey. I think that we talk. Your life itself speaks of shaping identity.It shapes who we are, who we've become, that we always have hope for moving where we have been to where we're at today with positive improvement and what it means to choose yourself before life chooses you. I say we have a couple things in common. We'll talk about that. But let's start at the beginning. Not the polished version, but, like, the real one.Where'd you grow up, my friend?

Yeah, man. Born and raised in Bloomington, actually 10 minutes south of Minneapolis, Minnesota.And I was in Minneapolis for 30 years, was just in Manhattan for five. Just moved to Florida. But I grew up with a single mom up until I was 10. Then my little brother was born when I was 10.He was born with cancer, short gut syndrome. And then when I was 16, he passed.And that was the beginning of the transformation process that for me took 8 to 11 years for me to really embrace the choose yourself process. Some people it takes eight days, some people eight weeks, some people eight years.Some people live until they 80 before they finally be grateful for what they have.

I think it takes each of us have a journey to walk. Sometimes we recognize it soon enough. Sometimes we have to redefine our purpose and move forward in a way.And I think that you've got some brilliant opportunity for people to be able to do that. You just, you and I both. I grew up with a single mother as well. She raised three of us. I lost my father at a very young early age.So I know that struggle, especially with a single mother in, in this day and age is difficult. You grew up an only child within that environment until you had your brother. Is that addiction? Stability, style?What did that world feel like from the inside out? How did, how did you, how did you kind of understand that there was a better path coming from that?

Coming from that. I mean, our home was full of love and support. You know, there's a lot of disagreements, but we always got over it.We never stay mad at each other for a long time. But I've been strong willed my whole life. And I talked to Mama Dee recently about this. You know, I don't listen. I have a hard time listening.And so when I get set on something, I listen. I now it happens to be purpose in the choose yourself movement. But in the past, I didn't take coaching well, I didn't take direction.I didn't listen to teachers authority. It was something that I now reflect on and I can, you know, partially contribute to a father figure not being there.Now losing your father and your father not being there but being alive are two different types of abandonment. And so understanding that as well resulted in me forgiving my father. And now we are very close.So every man, every, if you mad at your dad, you better forgive him or else you missing a little bit of manhood. But it took loss of health, time, relationships and money for me to really have that shift inside. That didn't happen until I was 26.

Yeah.You know, it's interesting how we're presented with the obstacles in life and I think how we deal with those and how we move forward through those is a testament as to the kind of person that we end up becoming. Sometimes it takes a little longer to get there, but I think that we can all come that way.Even if you lose your father, if I can just interject with that for a second. Even if you lose your father like I did, you Know, sometimes it takes a long time.Took me 35 years to forgive him because I felt that he contributed to his own. He didn't commit suicide, but he contributed to his own demise and things like that. It took me a long time. It took me a long time. I do that.You have mixed race identity. You've said you're never really fitted in anywhere. You're always adapting, you're observing. How did that shape your sense of identity in who you are?

Yeah, I mean, when it came to sports, everybody respected me because I was the best at every sport. So that's where athletics became a mask because I got respect on the field.If I went around black people, they call me light skinned, they say I got sunburnt, they talk about if they slap me, I turn red, they say I'm yellow and all this and pretty boy and all this and a lot of jealousy. But white people would consider me black. But I go around the blacks, I wasn't black enough.So it's like, why am I put into these categories when I'm neither?And so I carved my own lane with class, clowning, seeking attention, being a prankster, talking too much and that, that gained the credibility and attention that I wasn't getting from outside of the field. But really I became addicted to sports. I played every sport year round because skin color didn't matter. And I think that's the power of community.When you can find people who choose themselves, it doesn't matter what you look like, where you're from, how much money you got. It's about the choices you make in yourself. And so sports became a safe haven.It became a place of peace and a place of contribution and evolution, which I didn't know at the time, but I knew how I felt when I played sports. And I didn't think about anything besides the task at hand.To be in my best for my team so I can get rich and take care of my mama was the initial goal.

Right. Well, I mean, sports, I think it was survival for you. Right?It's where you thrived, you appreciated there and it gave you something that other things did not give you, which, you know, I will talk about this. I know that you, you had some addiction issues, you had some other issues in that regard.But reality is, I wish society and culture would treat people like people. Plain, simple. We're all human beings. We all have the same blood, the same heart, the same compassion, the same needs, the same wants, same creator.I'm sorry.

And the same creator.

Exactly. You know, but unfortunately, it doesn't always happen that way. I think that your.Your journey in itself created the individual stability and the foundation for you to be able to overcome what you needed to overcome. Your little brother, you said that you. He arrived. Can you please tell me again, what did he pass on?

Yeah, he had. He was born when I was 10. He passed when I was 16. So he was 6 years old with short gut syndrome and leukemia.

Oh, that's your Ben. I'm sorry to hear that. That's tough within itself. And a loss within a family like that is sometimes a little more difficult to take in.Regard, can we talk a little bit about the rebuilding yourself, your identity collapse. You had Division one, division two, division three. You played mostly basketball. You played all the sports. But where did you center in, if I may ask?Football.

Wide receiver.

Football.

Yep. So, yeah, it became. It became a mess. First, it was my place of peace. It was a safe haven. It was where I was appreciated.It was where my mom liked me to perform. My little brother loved coming to my games. It was where I felt accepted, connected, and appreciated.Once my little brother died the same day, I went in and pulled the plug on him. I was the last one to speak with him, which I'm glad I was.And Mama Dee asked me if I wanted to be the last one to speak to him before angels came and got him. And I did. And I pulled the plug the same day I went and played a basketball game. And now this was no longer about freedom.This was about the mask to show people I was okay. The masculine component of taking action and finding purpose in the process of grief and emotional suppression. And so now the sports.As long as I was scoring touchdowns, as long as I was still a class clown, as long as I was still doing those things that my identity was wrapped up in, nobody had to worry if I was okay, including Mama Dee. I didn't want her worrying about enough man. I had to be the man of the house. I had to be the strength. I had to be the one that was okay.And showing that I was strong was illustrated through sports. And so that was now my new identity.So as long as I had a dream to go to the NFL on behalf of my brother, as long as I had a dream to go to the NFL, to be able to take care of my family and all these other sick kids, then there was no time for me to grieve. So that mask then became my identity. And so the good thing about it is I was grieving. I was in. I was so angry that I got really good at sports.So I ended up getting a D1 full ride from 16 to 18 my junior senior year I went D1 full ride. But the inside started matching the outside. And when you're angry inside, you'll make sure to find a way to be angry at the outside.When you, when you have self doubt inside, you'll find a way to doubt yourself. When it comes to external, when you have dislike and you talk negative, you'll make sure to find the negative in the way people talk to you.And that's just the reflection of our projections. And so eventually that the hard headed, strong willed went into my sports. And so I ended up leaving D1.I went D2, first play, first game, tore my ACL. Then I dropped out for a year, had four more knee surgeries. Now I was doing security and I started partying.And in that, in that dark place where I started numbing because I didn't have the mask of sports, I started numbing substances. Eventually I got into such a dark place in that time that I was triggered to then go back to school.I had a situation where I was in pain and we got into this huge altercation downtown in security and I was woke up and I was like, this is not for me. My face, my hands, my ribs, everything hurts. So I went back to D3, played there. But now I had embraced the balance of numbing and masking.So I would mask with sports in the season, off season I would numb with partying. I started a party promotion company.I'd been bartending all through college, so I was already in the liquor industry and, and I did the balance throughout college.When I graduated college All American with my bachelor's in communications and marketing, I still was able to achieve it because I had the mask and the dream of still going to the NFL. So I found the balance to where I cannot slip too far into the numbing because I had a team and a purpose and a mask that I had to withhold.And that balance became detrimental to my evolution, to my dream.In the end because the Dallas Cowboys came to my college, had a tryout and I wasn't ready because I wasn't prepared because I was embracing the balance and not the focus. And so once, once the Cowboys came, I ended up breaking my ankle and training.And then I realized I was not going to the NFL in that realization, there's nothing left, there's no mass left. And I definitely ain't dealing with the grief and the anger and resentment. So I'm a numb for real. So Then I went to a super, super dark place.That's what I call my dark days. Two years, never sober, in the wrong crowds, blacking out in the black market. And eventually that came to a trigger point.Now, these trigger points I talk about whether it was my brother, whether it was the first time I dropped out of school, whether it was somebody who said something to me and made me leave my school, or some. Something I didn't like from somebody else or me in my dark days.And finally getting triggered into isolation and being locked up for eight months twice. Those trigger points are going to continue to happen until you embrace accountability and acceptance and actually make a change.And some of us keep staying in this trigger loop, and we keep blaming and complaining. Ain't gonna change. Nothing's gonna happen without action. You can keep praying, but it ain't your timing. It's about your creator's timing.So what are you doing to be prepared for the blessings? Because if you don't do the preparation, you gonna.The blessings will go right past you because you're gonna be focused on trying to justify the anger and resentment inside, or the guilt and the shame, abandonment, neglect, all the stuff from our childhood. We didn't heal. And that's why I wrote my book. It made me move more authentically. And so in. In my.In my final trigger point, I took 18 months and I just eliminated certain relationships, certain vices, certain things that I watched. The news, the movies, the music. I started eliminating those things, and I filled it with audiobooks and podcasts and YouTube videos.And I started to shift my time around my sleep. I started setting boundaries around curfew. I started skipping the snooze button. I started working out for health and not just for athletics.I started researching my food, my gut health, the mind, psychology. I took all the effort. I put into sports and I put into personal development.After about two years of that, my uncle, who owns a liquor company, and this is where sometimes the devil can creep in, comes back to me and says, you want to be a liquor rep for a liquor company? Knowing dang well, I had issues with drinking. But I already did the work. This was a blessing.Had I not done the work, it would have been a distraction. I would have relapsed. But I had a different view on my evolution.So I was able to be number one in sales and increase the brand a thousand percent two years in a row because I use the same systems I used to pull me out of my dark days and evolve personally into sales and business development. And those five Pillars are now called the Choose Yourself process.And that's what we utilize for our transitions at workshops, coaching and in the Choose Yourself community and on our retreats. And that was, is what got me to New York City was that, was that evolution. And then I went to New York and I did another cleanse.I put down the porn, the dating apps, I stopped dating, I stopped going out and I locked in. I only drank once a week. If they were, if it was with an investor or potential partner who was going to buy products, I would go out and celebrate.But I would lock into my personal development and I really started going in on content.And that's how my page grew from 3,000 to half a million, because that was my focus, to get the message out there instead of suppressing my own message.

Well done, brother. Well done. I mean, it's hard to come out from some of those arenas that you were in within when you go end up being, going down that deep.You know, I grew up with two alcoholic parents. I know that struggle. My brother's an alcoholic, about killed him. I was a police officer. I'm a retired police sergeant.I got injured in the line of duty and I spent four years in a wheelchair because of it.Went through eight operations and I sat and had a lot of time to be depressed and angry and pissed and you name it and understand that I had to make a choice myself.And I think that you creating the environment for other people to recognize that they themselves have the choice, they themselves have the opportunity to grasp and that they can move forward, they can climb out, they can be somebody better, can be something better for other people, those around them. So well done.

I mean that's a lot every day, every day you got to work towards it, man. It never ends. That's why you got to have the systems. Because when you don't have the motivation or the energy, you fall back on your systems.And that's why when you feel great and you feel at a peak and everything's going right, you still have to implement and integrate the systems. Even on the good days, even on vacation, I still stretch, do cardio and hit weights.When I'm on a cruise, I still stretch, cold shower and hit weights.When I'm traveling, speaking on stages, even if it's in the hotel room and I do 100 push ups, 100 sit ups, I'm still doing these things to keep me focused and master the mind. As a man on this planet, well,.

I think you've understood mind, body and soul. Mind, body and soul. All have to be nourished.Mind, body and soul all have to be worked together in order to make us a complete person or a complete human being. And doing that consistently is that. I know. You get these systems in place, you've got them in place.Do you think it's in an overall societal perspective? Do you think that we as an individual are limited in being able to achieve what you're achieving right now?

No, I got it. No, we're not limited. We are limiting. We limit ourselves.And achieving what I achieved has nothing to do with the finances, has nothing to do with the people I've impacted, has nothing to do with the following. Achieving what I've achieved comes from literally going within to your story. My story ain't the same as your story, but you got one.You do that, your value starts to increase. Then your projections increase in positivity. Then the reflection does the same.And now your life seems more positive because you went into your story. Now what happened to you is not your fault, but it's your responsibility to make something of it.You're going to think everything happened for you for a reason. You're going to thank God for the good and blame the devil for the bad. God made the devil. Don't forget that.It's the default or not, choosing yourself.All right, so finding the power and the pain, gratitude and the grief, strength in the struggle, wisdom in the wounds, transformation in the trauma is all responsibility. And if you can't do that, well, that's your limit. You start by going into your story. Now, if you want something you want, you can do today.Put your phone down 30 minutes before bed, start bringing your phone to bed. Wake up, skip the snooze button. Do something for the mind, body and spirit before you attach to the outside world, including your kids.It's about that stuff you do for yourself in solitude. That's what I do. My morning routine is anywhere from seven hours to 12 hours, including sleep. So sometimes I have.I'll go to sleep for five and a half hours, have a 90 minute morning routine. Sometimes I'll have an hour nighttime routine, sleep for seven hours and have a four hour morning routine. But I always got something.I'm flexible in my foundation before I tap into other people. That's what it means to fill up your cup and then pull from an overflow.That's the choose yourself lifestyle is choose yourself to be chosen and to be your best for others. Not choose yourself and stay frozen at the expense of others.

Profound words of wisdom. Profound words of wisdom.Sounds like you kind of rebuilt your life through these systems and create a foundation before motivation, structure, I think, integrity, identity.It allows you to rebuild your own identity, I think because we all, sometimes we become ingrained with who, who we are and what we do for a living and sometimes we become that. Like you did with a sport playing sport, football player, NFL. I did that as a cop. I was a cop for a long time. That was who I was, just what I did.And when I wasn't able to do that anymore, I had to kind of redefine my purpose, redefine my identity, because that's who I was for the longest time. These systems that, that you have put into place, I think allows us to, to kind of look at that on a daily, day by day basis. Maybe.

Yeah, I mean come down to three things. Sleep, mindful, consumption, comfort zone expansion, and there's a lot of methods, tool tactics.You can take in any of those things, but you can focus on all three of those things right now and they will all benefit to your, literally your next choice. They'll benefit tomorrow, but they'll also benefit the end of your life. Not many things in life will you talk about things that benefit right now.Instant gratification, Caffeine, nicotine, sugar, liquor, weed, screens, processed foods, porn, gambling. Those satisfy right now we talking about things that satisfy the end of your life.Sun, sauna, nature, cold shower, creativity, lift weights, fasting, community, creation, hobbies, learning. Those things contribute to tomorrow and the end of our life.But the thing about it, nowadays, the contribution to tomorrow is so small compared to taking a hit of some instant dopamine made by a man that it doesn't seem worth it. So people stay in the loop.

I, I, I. Again, profound words of wisdom. Choose, choose yourself movement.Tell me how that came about and when did you kind of realize that you needed to develop this into something that we should all be able to embrace and improve ourselves on a regular basis?

Well, I had to do it first. And when I moved to New York, I've always been a poet, I've always been a speaker.I've always been a motivator for every team, for every class, group project. I've always excelled in presentations throughout my communications degree.And so I've always enjoyed speaking and I've done stand up, I've done all kind of stuff before I became a professional speaker. And that was something that I knew I like to do and I enjoyed doing.And so I started speaking online and speaking online turned into repetition and practice and a permanence of Mind. So what I would speak about came from what I would consume. So I would change what I consumed. Then my belief system, the paradigm started changing.Then the way that I speak started changing.Then the feedback from, from my screen became motivation because I was inspiring others with things that I was speaking about and then I embodied them. And in that cycle, the integrity loop in that cycle birthed the choose yourself movement.But it took me to be able to evolve to a point where I felt confident to even offer in my services, offering my advice, because I had done the work where I've seen drastic changes in myself. And it started with just the foundation first. That was it. I would coach people on their routine before and after your sleep. That's it. Seven pillars.Digital, Sunset, Nighttime routine, Reading, Bedtime. Skip the snooze. Mind, body, spirit, first obligation. We will structure that for your life.Whether you're a mom who's busy, whether you're a millionaire entrepreneur or you're an addict in the streets. There's a foundation for everybody. And I've helped every single one of those people. Then it turned into embracing your story.Then it turned into building your brand. Then it turned into mindful consumption. Now we have a gut health regimen that we also work with. So these things built on top of each other.But I had to pick one thing that became the structure of my life. The one that became the structure of my life is what I started helping people on.I wasn't like, oh, let me wait until I get all these things figured out to start helping people. No, I did one thing that I knew helped for me, helped me save my life. And that's what I said, I can help you at least with that.Now the niche was people who need structure and time management around their sleep. Boom. How many people need that a lot. After I perfected it and became flexible with it, that's what I led with.And so I started coaching and growing with people with that first. And throughout my content creation, I would make up slogans and metaphors, analogies. And one day I said, choose yourself.When I was just free flowing and channeling and freestyling and got a lot of feedback online and a lot of backlash because people were like, oh, it's selfish. And I was like, oh, this is good. That's the problem. That's the problem. People think choosing yourself is selfish.That's why you're inflamed, in pain with chronic illness and autoimmune disease, because you're sacrificing your health, time and sleep and gut Health to go get a dang check. You sacrificing that so you could try to be someone fake for somebody. And then when y' all get together, guess what?You stop doing what you did to get there. And now your relationship changes and you fall out of love.You got to figure out who you are to set the standard for your life to show other people how to treat you. So figuring out who you are is actually the most beneficial thing because it shows the people who ain't in alignment to get the hell on.And it shows the people who you haven't met yet who will be contributional how to work with you. So that's when the choose yourself process was born. And then it turned into a bunch of other things. But now it's an ecosystem.But first it was just the way one thing I knew and this is what we do in the cyc. Figure out what part in your story get makes you credible to help somebody who reminds you of the old version.Now if you see the old version and triggers you back into some type of victimhood, you not healed enough yet. If you see the old version and it inspires you to help them, you've now surpassed that version.But be careful because the version you are now will also change.

What an amazing. I have to an amazing opportunity for us to be able to recognize within ourselves we none of us get.I don't think the majority of us don't get the right amount of sleep. The food we put into our body, the substances that we may or may not put into our body also have a significant impact.And I'm so happy that you talk about that and that you bring that forward because, you know, I learned. I learned myself. I learned I don't do. I've got severe rheumatoid arthritis. I treat it with my diet, I treat it with. With my meditation. I treat it.I don't take any medication. About killed me. There had been nine different drugs at one time and it was just like killing me. And I realized that food could be my benefit.The stuff I put in my body was my benefit. And that that's what healed me and that's what continues to heal me.And I love the fact that you make that one of your pillars because I think that along with what you said is outstanding. We need to choose ourselves because before we can help other people, we need to help ourselves. Right?

And how long are you going to be able to help somebody?When you're putting up a mask over your fatigue, you're obviously in pain, but you don't want people to see it because you want them to validate your efforts.When you can actually have pure and clean energy all day and be more productive and contribute at a more effective rate for longer for the people you love.If you take that time right now to shift your self belief, to shift your habituality, to shift your addictions and vices in relationship with society, that if you but the time it's choosing yourself seems lonely.And it's supposed to be because when you're alone, you get closer to the five things that five entities that matter most, which is your inner child, your story, the pain, the grief, the trauma, which is your future self, the person you intend to be, the person you aspire to be, the life that's going to bring you peace and happiness, your creator, the one that made your ass, your subconscious, the one that's constantly being reprogrammed by what starts you decide to justify.And then right now, that the best way to get closest to all five of those is to shut out the noise, sit your ass in the silence in solitude, you'll be able to think about, oh, what have I been through? Oh, what do I want? Oh, why am I here? Oh, what have I done? Oh, who am I? You'll be thinking about all those.But the moment you get around somebody, all of a sudden you got, oh, I want them to think this. Oh, my job title is this. I'm supposed to do an athlete. I got to read a playbook, I got to do this. Oh, to be a good man, I got to do this. Sit down.Stop acting like you got to do all this. How about you sit down and figure out what you are best at and then lead with that? That's choosing yourself.

That's amazing. I think in that respect, I think you're creating kind of a legacy for yourself as well.Because that legacy then transfers to those around you is what I'm hearing.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, what do you want people to say at your funeral? Those are eulogy virtues. You want resume virtues or eulogy virtues?It's up to you what monies, achievements, looks, title, status. That's one thing you might get. You might get noticed while you're alive. But when you gone, they don't talk about those. What do they talk about?How you made people feel, how many people you helped, and how you treated people you didn't know. And that comes from how you treat yourself.So if you want to work on your eulogy virtues and work on how you treat others, you need to start Treating yourself with some respect, some discipline, some compassion, and some love.

Yeah, very cool. Then at that point, you can then have a responsibility to kind of pass that on to others. Because we all think.I think we all need to be more compassionate, more full humanity with those around us, everybody, including those that are closest to us, because they're the ones that picked us up when we were down and held our hand when we needed it and gave us a shoulder cry on when it was needed as well. And we need to respect that. And in taking care of ourselves, it helps us to take care of them.

I started writing my chapters. I did eight months, then I got out for 30 days and I went back for eight months for doing some dumb shit.That first eight days I was in solitude and the whole jailhouse was locked down. So I had no pen, no pad, I hadn't ordered any commissary.I had no phone call, no shower for eight days straight, not knowing how long it was going to be on lockdown. And I started to think about.

The.

Biggest points of my life, the biggest transformative points in my life, and what, what part of them made me angry. That was my first reflection. And those became the chapters.And so once I got a notebook in a pad, I wrote down chapters, then I wrote down sub subtitles. And then when I got out, I transferred that to a notepad on my phone.So I had like three notepads on my phone that had chapters where it was like every moment that changed my life to before and after. And then under there I had sub points of other details that happened. And then I would reflect on them.And every time I would research more stuff about psychology, anatomy, human, human nature, spirituality, our creator, the universe. When I would realize something about myself that came from my past, I would go back and writing in that chapter and be like, oh, that makes sense.I suppressed all the anger, Anger. And so I was angry at all my relationships. Makes sense. Oh, that makes sense.My mom did everything for all these men, so I expected women to do everything for me. Because that's what I thought love was. Because I'm learning these things. But if you don't learn about them, you think that's just what it is.You're supposed to treat me like my mom.

What the hell?

Your mom is a whole different person. And the first person we see we love of the opposite sex typically is the.

Our parent.

And so we identify that as what love is, the way they loved us, whether it be abuse, whether it be neglect. And so a lot of people stay in These toxic relationships, because they don't understand that.And so as I continue to write this 2024, Christmas Eve and Christmas, I sat down 12 hours with my co writer online, and we cranked out the book. 88 Pages, 24 hours straight.

I took a. That's an amazing self.Like, would you think introspect within yourself that you were able to dig in and pull that stuff out of you and I think, and recognize it and then remember it and put it onto paper after you got out? That in itself is an achievement. What gave you the motivation, the inspiration, and the opportunity?Was it somebody or a particular incident that launched you into becoming a motivational speaker in order to help share this methodology with people?

Well, once I started to realize the impact I had online, I wanted to take it to in person. And that. That was when I was like, okay, I'm gonna start hosting events.I'm gonna start hosting retreats, making my own experiences, but then also utilizing those experiences to then integrate the choose yourself movement into people who are already hosting events, such as schools, recovery institutions, you know, athletic programs, and bring this mindset to them from a point of my life that would resonate with them. And so each time I speak, it's not the same story.Because if I'm talking to somebody in the sober house, it's different than I'm talking to high school football players.And when I'm talking to women who deal with abusive relationships, then if I'm talking to people who have, you know, victimhood and blame and complain, depression, anxiety, all those forms are different. But since I've been through them all, I'm able to formulate it. And since I've embraced them all, I'm able to integrate it into the message.Because the message is the truth. The more authentic and aware we become and accept our past, the more adaptable we actually become. You don't want to be the same person everywhere.You want to be more adaptable because you have a greater impact. And I think that's where it gets confused nowadays too. But now I plan on speaking around the world, man. You know, that's.That's the goal is to continue to speak.

And I think. I think you've made a. You made a. A significant impact by.By not really trying to escape your past, but kind of integrating it into your story so that it allows others to understand that you walk that path. You've been there before, you've done that, and that what you're speaking from is your heart and your soul, not just from a book.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's part of what we do, is to be able to represent what you were made to do.You have to be able to identify the strength and the purpose of what you've been through.

Yeah.

Like, if we think everything happens for a reason, and then something happens and you don't know the reason, whose fault is that? Why you think everything happens for a reason when stuff happens to someone else, but when it happens to you, you can't find a reason. That is.Our sole purpose is to evolve from every experience. Now, hundreds of thousand people die today, but you don't think about that when you want to make an excuse to skip your life.But if somebody close to you died, all of a sudden you're like, oh, man, my aunt and my dad died from diabetes. I should put down the sugar. Yeah, well, because it's close to you, but a lot of people die from diabetes every day.And some people eat something sweet after every time they eat.

Yep, I agree with that. And anyway, it is. I was lucky. No, won't say lucky. But I coming from my career, my professional.In my personal life, I had individuals that died suddenly. I got the integration into death and instant not coming home again. You know, one of those walk out the door and then don't.They don't come back at a very early age. One of them was my father. The other one was my mother, an uncle, three uncles, actually.In my profession, I learned life can change in an instant in that, you know, you need to embrace life because of that fact, that one more thing before you go. The premise of this six and a half years ago was based on that in itself.Somebody walking out the door, not saying, I love you, I need you, I'm proud of you. Anything that you wanted to say before they walked out the door and go, I forgot to do that.I forgot to give them a kiss, forgot to say this, forgot to say that, and then they never come back.One more thing before you go was built on that premise and having to kind of achieve the opportunity to make sure that we as human beings, there's always one more thing. There's always one more thing you can do for yourself. There's always one more thing you can do for somebody around you kind of a situation.And we've kind of evolved ourselves from that. The podcast, as in bringing people messages like that, which this, I believe, is a brilliant opportunity to be able to recognize.I love the fact that you talk about we need to choose ourselves because again, what are you doing? An airplane? They tell you to put the mask on the person next to you, your child, your, your parents, your husband, your wife before you.Put it on yourself.

No other way. Put it on yourself first.

Put it on yourself. Excuse me. Yes, put it on yourself so that you can help others. Put, you know, put it on them.You know, put them on when they need it so that this, this is kind of analogy. Your story, I think, resonates with people who've fallen off the path. They've lost family, they battled addiction, they've repeated patterns.I heard you mention abuse, women who have been abused, or domestic violence in specific for four years.It is profound that you'll be able to reach these individuals, have a story for each one of them that they can resonate with and they can rise behold of to understand they can make a better life for themselves.

Yeah, and I think that's where the impact comes from. Do you embody it? Do you embrace your, do you speak about your personal story, but also do you embody it in your day to day choices?A lot of times now, people can look you up and see if you really are who you speak about. Now one thing that's an ongoing issue with this alignment in society is the obesity epidemic.And you have people who are preaching about health who don't look healthy. You got people who are the national health organizers and they're overweight.You got preachers talking about the temple and spirituality, but they're overweight. You got doctors prescribing meds that they would never take and they're overweight. You got fitness trainers overweight, not fit.Where does this, where does this even come from? O to being influential. For me, that would be a red flag because our body is a compilation of our choices up until this moment.Now granted, some people have certain situations where their bodies look, you know, a certain way, whether you're disabled or you have some type of, you know, disorder or disability or disease. So those, those are anomalies.But we're talking about a person who is fully capable, who just cannot control their impulses and does not care about themselves enough. How do you have an impact? So it's like if I were to go around and not talk about my story, I would be sounding like every other therapist they have.Yeah, I'd be sounding like every other news article that talks in the general sense of, oh, athletes need this. And I'd be, I'd be another reporter. But because I say I've done it now, I become relatable now I become on the same level.There's no longer a Me telling them, oh, you're an addict. And we addicts, right? So that's, that's where I, you know, and there's things that I don't talk about parenthood. I ain't got no kids.I don't talk about it. I'm not telling parents how to do. I do know how to be here for a long time.And if that's what you want to do for your kids, I can help you be a better parent by choosing yourself and marriage. Haven't been married. I have been in relationships and I've had relationships with a lot of different things.So how do you formulate that for people who are struggling? Certain experiences that I may not have been in.It comes from the embracing the variety of your story, because you can, once you figure out the underlying truth of it all and the human experience of your story minus the details, you can take the details of other people and plug it into a part of your story and relate. That's why you have to embrace your story.

Well, I think from that perspective, what do you want, what do you want those people to understand about identity and choice? Because you brought up both of those just a second ago in the last couple minutes. Identity and who we are and choice that we can make.What, what do you want them to understand about identity and choice and what they can do about it?

Well, here's a simple way. It's a simple way to understand it. Your environment, all five senses impact your gut. It's not just what you eat, what you drink. It is everything.It's how your house smells. You ever smelled something and got a weak stomach? Yeah. Your gut gonna tell you first what you listen to.You ever heard something that's cringe and you get this feeling before you even have a thought? Your environment impacts your gut. Your gut communicates to your mind via the vagus nerve. There's a gut mind axis.They communicate, which generates a thought. Your thought will then reach into your experiences and pull out an emotion.It's unlikely that your thought will create an emotion that you've never had an emotional tie to that thought before. That's called imagination, which is also powerful, which is why you need to meditate. Because you can control what emotion is tied to that thought.After your emotion, then comes action. In between emotion and action, there's a space. That space is where you choose past, present or future. Before you take an action.The more consistent your actions, the more impact it has on your identity. So you eliminate the distractions.You take time in your foundation to control the mind, you take care and repair your gut with gut cleanses, parasite cleanses, fasting healthy food and you increase the space between emotion and action with comfort zone expansion. So you increase the volume on your emotions and you still choose intention.Then when it's time to take an action, guess what, you've done the work, you've done the work and you can reshape your identity. But it's not going to happen overnight. It may feel like overnight but it takes a bunch of nights to get to that night.

That's amazing. I mean that's brilliant and, and I think this is something we can all grasp a hold of. I think that it goes back to.You talk a lot about diet, what we put in our in, in our bodies in regard. Do you think it is important balance to balance that out?I mean I know that you, you, you, you don't really drink unless occasionally you did when you went with, with clients when you were working for your hocalopin Manhattan. Do you. Let me, let me ask this question different. I got like 12 million things running through my head.You said a lot need to think about how do we take the first step if we don't understand or something that we can do to take our first step to understand that we need to eat better, sleep better, think better and look within ourselves better.

You got a gym and that's grow your mind with inner size.Now you can either get around people who are doing what you want to be doing, you can go on YouTube, ChatGPT, Facebook, Instagram, all the stuff that's consuming your time right now and look up things that can help you understand the mind, body, gut, emotion, spirituality better. The more we understand the different we choose. We train differently when we know what's possible.So if you're just consuming things that have nothing to do with that, you're going to keep choosing the same things. Now community is also powerful. We have a community of self choosers.We meet Every Tuesday at 10:00am if you need a community to hear about testimonials, tactics and tools to be able to break free, tap into that. There's all kinds of communities and Facebook pages online. There's free networking events probably in your city.You can go on an event page and look up cities or events near me.You can look up the date, the type, the category, get around those people and start changing what's around you to change your gut to your mind and then your choices. Now what we do, there's, there's a, there's a three step process and it Starts with elimination.And then it goes into foundation, and then it goes into activation. Eliminate the toxins. I know it sounds impossible. Oh my God. I can't go a day without caffeine. Yes, you can. Caffeine was made for plants and bugs.We turned it into a drug for prayer and for soldiers to stay up all night. Okay. Nicotine. Sugar is in everything. Do you know sugar's in bread? Do you know what's in processed food?Do you know what's in a lot of your condiments? Do you know? What about seed oils? Do you know about glyphosate? Do you know about the nutrient deficiency?You start looking at these things differently, you start shopping differently.

Read.

You start understanding what the words on the back of the store, on the back of the products mean. You start understanding what the impact that has on your gut health. And then you choose differently.You start researching healthy meals, you start following healthy cookbooks. And you're like, that looks good. Oh my God, that's only this much calories. This much sodium has this much nutrients for me, this much protein.Oh my God, I want to try that. If you never look for it, you're going to be stopping at McDonald's for the rest of your life. So elimination will be a lot easier to identify.What to eliminate. With education, the next step is the foundation. Now these are the actionable steps. These are the self commitments that change your self belief.These are the things you say you will do when ain't nobody watching except your core. 5. Create an inner child, future self, subconscious conscious. That's the time before and after you're asleep.Most likely take the time before you're asleep, after your sleep, without people, without screens, without toxins, just you versus you.Then you implement systems in there that increase the quitting mind, that increase the old habits of excuses and victimhood, that increase the emotions so that you can then choose intention. And then you increase that space. But you never increase the space, waiting for the uncontrollables to provide adversity so that your emotions come.You increase the space. When you intentionally set a commitment that's uncomfortable and then you do it anyways. Every day.Now, when the emotions are surfaced from something that you can't control, you have that muscle to flex in your mind. It's called the dorsal cortex. It's part of the anterior cingulate cortex. There's a ventral and the dorsal.There's also the prefrontal and the amygdala.But these are strengthened by doing things you don't want to do like waking up on time, meditating in silence, stretching when it hurts, lifting heavy weights, fasting, cold shower, calling people you like. You might not want to do it. Apologizing, forgiving.These are things you don't want to do, but they end up strengthening your mind because you can't repair your roof in the rain and you asked for flowers and now you want to complain about the rain. Can you even make it through the storm to smell your flowers? You got poop seeds in your garden. Wondering why you feel like.The third one is activation. That means you have to get into the world now and see if what you did works. Now you have to actually get out there because it's.Everybody thinks you healed until you fall in love. Everybody thinks you heals until you get into a situation where you don't know nothing about around you.You don't know the language, you don't know the people, the culture. You don't know the street, the address. Now you got to be present and in presence. In presence, all your choices are most prevalent.You can't put up the mask when you got to be present. When you can, when you're somewhere that's familiar, you can think about all these other things that you can just, oh, say this, it's so cool.I'm at work every day. I can put up this facade and this facade. But when you have to be present, it's. Everything you ever worked on has to be activated.It's those three things. And that's what we do. Tomorrow will be day 25 of the Choose Yourself vice Free challenge.We do a dopamine and gut reset, and it's no caffeine, nicotine, sugar, liquor, weed, no screens, porn, gambling, no shopping, no doom scrolling, no video games, no gluten, dairy, or processed foods. And we do this. There's hundreds of people in the chat, got half a million online. Some of them are doing it, some people fall off.But the goal of it is to mark down how many of those vices that you consume in 25 days and then beat it the next time by one. Eventually, you will break free.

Hot damn.

Hawking hot damn now.

Oh, that's crazy cool. Actually, you know, it. It is, it is. I think that you, when you stop to think about it, I mean, it sounds complicated, but it's really simple.Sounds complicated, but it's really simple.

Simple, not easy, for sure.

Exactly, exactly, exactly, exactly. I asked this of all guests who took a dramatic turn in their life and had reinvented themselves, redefined themselves, redefined their own Purpose.And so I gotta ask you this. If you hadn't gotten honest, if you hadn't built, rebuilt, if you hadn't chosen yourself, who do you think you would be today?

Dead in jail for sure.

You see, that is a significant impact on your life, which you have done, and that others can do the same thing.

Yeah, no, I was. I was in and out of jail a lot.You know, when I was at my D2 school, I got into a fight, and I got 20 years probation, felony assault when I was 19 years old. So a lot of my mishaps and probation violations put me in and out of jail, in and out of jail. So I was just in the system.And so that's why I kept being.If I didn't hit that breaking point on that second eight months that I did, where I actually started to embrace my story and figure out where all this stuff is coming from, which I'm happy you did.

That's amazing that you've come from. From that environment and you have brought yourself to a point in life that you are helping and contributing to.To us as individuals so that we appreciate ourselves in such a way that. That we have. Should have been doing that all along.I think we always look for that, that we want mom and dad to say, we're proud of you, or want our brothers, our sisters, our. Our law, our wives or girlfriends, husbands. We all want that validation.But from what I've learned today, we have to give that validation to ourselves first every time.

Choose yourself to be chosen.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. Let's talk about how people can get to learn your system and how to get in touch with you, please.

Yeah. Well, big dream, Hakeem. On socials, you can DM me. I'm in my DMs because I care. We meet with the CYC every Tuesday, Tuesday at 10am EST to gym.And that's Grow youw Mind. We meet online, so it don't matter where you're at.We got annual retreat where we do a deep healing, deep honesty, and deep accountability every year. And then we do multiple workshops throughout the year as well, with connection and contribution.So those are multiple things we can do to tap in and grow together. But you can either Tap into choose yourself.info or on my socials or Choose Yourself Community at Gmail.

And I'll make sure that those are all in the show link, the show notes so that they just have an easy way to click it and find you to make it, you know, easy for them to do that. Where's your wisdom, my friend. When you look back at your life, the collapse, the rebuild, the discipline, the truth. What's one more thing?See, there's one more thing you would want people to know before they go.

Ain't nobody coming to Savior, not even your savior, until you align your behavior with the things you pray for. And he can see you and stop saying please. When you pray, you're speaking from a place of lack. Put some gratitude in your attitude.Say thank you for what you got.Cause it's on no way in the timing or the form may not come in the way that you think, but the timing is to see if you really believe in your beliefs. And he can see you.

Right on, brother. That is profound.

Thank you, Michael. Appreciate you, man.

It was an honor to have you here on the show. I really appreciate your message. I appreciate your heart, your compassion, your humanity and what you give back to the world.So thank you for sharing your journey with us and what we can do to help ourselves.

Thank you for doing what you do and providing this platform. Y' all keep choosing yourself. Don't lose yourself.

Amazing words. Today we heard that identity isn't something you find, it's something you build.Hakeem reminded us that collapse isn't the end, it's the moment you get the honest. And choosing yourself isn't a slogan, it's a system, a discipline, a way of living. That's a wrap for today's episode.I hope you found inspiration, clarity in a few new perspectives to take with you. If you enjoyed this conversation, be sure to like, subscribe and to follow us. Stay connected.You can find us on Apple, Spotify or your favorite listening platform and you can head over to YouTube to catch the full video version. In the meantime, have a great day, have a great week and thank you for being part of this community. And until next time, I'm Michael Hirst.This is One more Thing before you go.

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